Features

• God vs. a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop
• Welcome to your new home!
• Letters from the Landlord
• Emo-bot 2000 Meets the Press
• This Year for Halloween, I’m Going as Drunk
• The Black Death Hits Berkeley
• Chivalry for the Modern Gentleman
• Fuck You, Belgian Exchange Student

Newsflashes

• Cartoonist to Draw Strip About Dog
• EECS Nude Protest Fails to Arouse Excitement, Anyone
• Primary Schools Hit Hard by Extra-Credit Crunch
• Galactic Prank War Escalates

Features

• Diary of a White Collar Criminal
• Vegan Alternatives
• I Want to be Fired
• NecronomiCon
• Unregistered Sex Offenders
• There’s a New Sheriff[s] in Town
• Failed Biopics
• Me
• Geriatrix: A Cyberpunk Novel for Old People

Newsflashes

• Federal Trade Commission Starts, End Google Anti-trust Suit
• Alan Greenspan Pretty Sure New Best Friend is Actually CNN Obituary Writer
• Bratz ARG Nears Finale
• “Hyphy Movement” Meets Hyphy Resistance, Thousands Dead

Features

• Animal Love
• Step into my office…
• s.f. bay area craigslist > a guide to casual encounters
• Seinfeld Meets 24
• The Murderdome Quarterly
• Smarmy Bastard Explains Everything
• The Incredibly Hip Eatery
• The Unchosen People
• Words From the Top
• Post Apocalyptic Love Advice

Newsflashes

• Fat, Black, Female Priest Actually Martin Lawrence Trying to Steal a Diamond
• Romania to Name Dragon National Bird
• Lieberman Announces Gray Horse Candidacy
• Rapture Occurs, Productivity Skyrockets

Features

• Five Hipsters: A Play in One Act
• Ebert & Roeper & Blind Guy – At the Movies
• A Harlequin Romance Novel Written by a 14-Year-Old Virgin Who’s Never Seen Cinemax Unscrambled
• Species of Step-Parents: A Taxonomical Survey
• Is Your Man a STUD, a DUD, or a CROCODILE?!
• Pie Most Venomous
• Porn Director License Test
• Words From the Top
• Goomba War Journal
• SwordTech Inc.’s Troubleshooting Guide

Newsflashes

• Incredibly Awesome Explosion Leaves 30 Dead, 60 Highly Entertained
• McCain and Guiliani Exploratory Committees Race to the Finish
• Father and Son Game of Hide-and-Seek Concluded After 30 Years
• Scientists Yet Again Start Work on Project Other than Rocket Car

Features

• Class Act
• A Little Something for the Ladies
• My Rejected Sitcom
• Drunk Driving: Just Say Yo!
• If Frat Boys Wrote Fortune Cookies
• Transformers They Don’t Want You to Know About
• Words From the Top
• The Future of Video Game Series
• The Diary of the Last Man on Earth
• A Very aDoyle-able Christmas

Newsflashes

• Masturbation Defeats Sex
• NY Times Reports: Lots of Asians Go to Cal
• President Ford Remembered for Legacy of Oafery

Features

• In-Class Drinking Games
• Homeless Comedians
• Invisimask Advertisement
• Back-Alley Mike’s School of Back-Alley Self-Defense
• Discount Wisdom
• Grey’s Anatomy
• Words From the Top
• Great Moments in the History of Invention
• The Truth About the Future
• Rumsfeld Resignation Address

Newsflashes

• Woman Drowns Virtual Pets
• Guitar Hero Disappointed by Lack of Ass
• Really Hot Chick Rejected from Boalt
• Democrats Arrive in D.C. Reeling From Month-Long Celebration
• Rick Santorum?s Job Search Hits a Dead End on Monster.com

Features

• Words from the Top
• High-Brow Erotic Fanfiction

Newsflashes

• City Council Declares Bum Historic Landmark
• New Dinosaur Species Discovered
• Stephen Colbert Ironically Elected Governor of South Carolina
• Mel Gibson BBQ’s Thousands of Hebrew Nationals
• Local Pot Calls Kettle ‘Black’
• Your Roommate to Continue Listening to that Chinese Hip Hop Shit

Top Tens

• Top Ten Signs Your Partner is a Cannibal
• Top Ten New, Pleasant Job Titles for Criminal Occupations
• Top Ten Erotic Board Games
• Top Ten Homoerotic Bumper Stickers

Features

• Words From The Top

Newsflashes

• Wal-Mart Enters into Heroin Retail Market
• Area Woman Clearly Wanted to be Raped, Murdered
• In Other News
• Sports Quickies

Features

• <i>Other</i> New Baby Einstein Videos
• The Diary of Judas
• Nerd Rehab
• Would You Rather Be Hung-Over or Over-Hung?
• Discount Wisdom
• Jobs For Double Majors
• Murder! in Five Easy Steps
• Words From the Top
• Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner
• Brad and Angelina Give Birth to Blindingly Perfect Being

Newsflashes

• Carjackers Rejoice Over “Ghostridin’ the Whip” Trend
• Unemployment Rate Skyrockets
• Bonds Steroid Indictment Stalled

Top Tens

• Top Ten Signs Sex with a Polar Bear Is Going Poorly
• Top Ten Diseases You Wish You Had
• Top Ten Pornographic Movies Featuring Sex with a Miner
• Top Ten Reasons to Stop Going to That Jewish Strip Club
• Top Ten Lamest Things to Buy With a Million Dollars
• Top Five Things You May or May Not Hear in a Leper Colony
• Top Ten Other Things That Happen Every Ten Seconds

Features

• What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
• Urban Myths
• Kilimanjaro
• The Collected Disappointments of James R. Henderson
• Diary of a Costume Character
• “Lesser Known Quotations”
• Discount Wisdom
• So Now You’re in Purgatory
• Words From the Top
• New Math Department Courses Teach Culture

Newsflashes

• Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident
• Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth
• God Blamed For Global Disasters
• Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image
• Jack Bauer Pauses to Poop

Top Tens

• Top Ten Things Not to Say Before Making Out
• Top Ten Reasons to Grow a Beard
• Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Switch to Plan B
• Top Ten Christian Breakfast Cereals
• Top Ten Signs Your Professor is an Illegal Immigrant
• Top Ten Homeless Faux Pas
• Top Five Signs Your STD is Stronger than You