I remember when I was growing up, I used to be scared to death of the people in Theme Park costumes. Maybe it was their cold dead plastic eyes. Maybe it was that time a guy dressed as the Tasmanian devil raped me. Regardless, I would eventually become one of those people.
When I first arrived, they took my measurements to figure out which costumes I was going to be in. Then they made me watch 3 hours of Six Flags orientation videos. The first hour basically told us over and over again that if we ever broke out of character we’d be fired and probably beaten within an inch of our lives. Then, halfway through the second hour, they just started showing clips of the movie Dune. Most of the other new employees didn’t speak English and didn’t seem to notice.
So my first character was Marvin the Martian, which I thought was really cool until I realized he wore full body spandex. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was but things got really embarrassing when some kid ran up to me and lifted up my skirt to see underneath. Then people started pointing, laughing, and taking pictures while saying, “No wonder he has to wear a mask!”
I’m actually starting to get really weird vibes about this place. I asked my supervisor today when he thought I’d be ready to play Bugs and he told me I wasn’t fit to suck Bugs’s dick. Then he made some sort of crude gesture with his hands but I couldn’t make it out through the big gloves on his foghorn leghorn costume.
I was walking around the park today as Tweety, which basically sucked to begin with. But then I saw my girlfriend. She didn’t know I’d gotten a job at the park yet so I decided to surprise her, but just as I walked up to her this guy standing behind me shoved me out of the way and the two of them started making out. I just stood there stunned. All I could do was cry silently inside Tweety, and occasionally chirp.
Turns out Magic Mountain needed to make cutbacks in order to build a new rollercoaster. They fired 5 of the guys that arrived with me. Now I’m somehow supposed to play Tweety, Marvin, Daffy, and Speedy Gonzalez in both the North and South sides of the park simultaneously. I keep getting my characters confused and all the Hispanic people at the park think I’m making fun of them when I start talking in my Speedy Gonzalez voice while wearing the Daffy Duck suit. Also probably cuz I use the word beaner a lot.
Woke up in bed screaming with the Tweety mask stuck to my head again. Boss is gonna kill me if I don’t get the sweat stains out of it.
Boss called me into the office today and told me he had big news. Said I’d been doing a great job and that he thought I really deserved a reward. I got excited and started imagining what sort of plum job he must’ve had lined up for me. That’s when I realized he’d unbuttoned the pants on his Yosemite Sam suit. I tried to say no, tried to stop it from happening, but he threatened to shoot me. It was only later that I realized that the giant foam guns probably weren’t loaded.