Words From The Top

47 Things Every Freshman Should Know

  1. Being ten minutes late for class is no problem; we call it “Berkeley time.”
  2. Your Cal ID card can be used for one free rental at Blockbuster.
  3. You can always ask for a take-home final exam instead of an in-class final.
  4. Professors must allow students ten minutes of “facebook time” per hour.
  5. Bums on Telegraph want hugs more than they want money.
  6. The answer pattern for all multiple choice exams in the Biology department is CACA.
  7. UCPD officers are legally required to give you a ride if you ask.
  8. In a pinch, bus pass stickers can be used as birth control.
  9. Fire drills always end in orgies.
  10. As of this year, every restaurant in the Asian Ghetto accepts Dining Plan points.
  11. Smoking marijuana is legal within city limits.
  12. The Tang Center doctors will always give you a free sample box of Adderall, just say you forgot the coupon.
  13. Once a month a loud alert horn will sound, letting you know you can go home early.
  14. Cocoa Crispies and Cocoa Puffs are actually the same cereal.
  15. Oski is played by a woman.
  16. If you steal the RA’s pants you become the RA.
  17. The instrument at the top of the Campanile is called a carillon.
  18. The co-ops are a good cheap alternative to smelling good.
  19. You can’t be arrested for a DUI if you’re asleep when the cop finds you.
  20. Everyone on your floor can hear you singing along to Deathcab.
  21. Your boyfriend didn’t dump you because of the freshmen fifteen, he dumped you because you’re annoying.
  22. If you can trick the Chancellor into saying his own name backwards you automatically get into Haas School of Business.
  23. In an emergency, Rally Comm is fully trained to climb to the top of Barrows and fly the building away to safety.
  24. All 8AM classes actually begin at 11.
  25. Three Fs make a B.
  26. Scantrons can only be filled in with number two pencils or Sherwin- Williams house paint.
  27. Campus vending machines are free on the solstice.
  28. Otter Pops do not contain otters.
  29. CAL DINING is an acronym.
  30. Dr. Jokèmon cannot be captured in a Jokèball.
  31. The Tang Center is named for its distinctive odor.
  32. Due to a software bug, the millionth student to log into Telebears will be instantly transferred to Davis.
  33. The Daily Californian was originally called the Yearly Arizonian, but the name was changed after their annual output was three-hundred-sixty-fippled and the offices were moved from Pennsylvania.
  34. Mario Savio was bi.
  35. The moon is a harsh mistress.
  36. Asian girls have straight pubes.
  37. It doesn’t matter where you’re going: take the 51.
  38. Anthropology majors give the best head.
  39. Engineering majors build the best bridges.
  40. The city of Berkeley has only one fire truck, but it is two hundred feet long.
  41. Mary Poppins died in Wheeler.
  42. History 7A and History 7B are actually the same class.
  43. 10% of you will be mugged this year.
  44. 5% of you will be sexually assaulted before graduation.
  45. Cal Grants and Student Aid are at the lowest level they’ve ever been and tuition and fees are the highest.
  46. If you finished this list in under thirty seconds you have fulfilled your R1A requirement.
  47. Welcome to college, and yes, this will be on the test.