A prominent figure living in exile. A thin, white, stubble-faced hero convinced of his messianic prowess reduced to hiding on a foreign continent. While this is eerily reminiscent of the horrors we fought to vanquish in Nazi Germany’s concentration camps … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Squelch Guide to Socializing
Hey Freshmen,
As you probably figured out by now, college is a great time to socialize and make friends, but you may find doing this difficult at such a big school.
We here at the squelch prepared a handy guide … Read More
Words from the Top
Climbing the Ranks
Dear Readers,
Boy, this production has been a wild ride. We’ve committed some heinous acts in the name of comedy. We forced one of our best friends to take his pants off in a cold basement so we could photoshop … Read More
Words From The Top
A Rags to Deputy Creative Editor Story
Hello reader,
As the new deputy creative editors, we thought we’d give a few words of friendly advice to those who dream of holding the glamorous position that we hold today. Now look, we’re not “better” or “smarter” than any … Read More
William Henry Harrison: American Gentleman
Narrator: Most Americans are only familiar with the presidency of William Henry Harrison because of its morbid trivia, namely that it was cut short by death after a mere 32 days in office. What is all too often left unsaid … Read More
Scholarship Station
Lesser-Known Berkeley Scholarships
We at the Heuristic Squelch know that the last thing you want to think about is money, but these obscure campus scholarships might be your only chance to graduate without a second mortgage on your kidneys. Just remember, some some … Read More
Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn’s Finishing School for Men
Hello Potential Customer,
I’m Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn, proud owner and operator of Deathfuker’s School for Etiquette and Deportment. We at Deathfuker’s are committed to transforming candy asses into confident and successful citizens through an intensive ten-step program.
Step 1: … Read More
How WikiLeaks Has Changed the World
The impact of WikiLeaks’ crusade for transparency has extended well beyond the United States, leading to public revelations that have engulfed countless world governments in scandals, threatening to shake them to their core. This map is a handy primer to … Read More
Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes
- Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
- I think therefore I’m sad.
- A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it
Welcome Week Packet for Incoming Freshmen, 1869
[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,
Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build … Read More
