Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build another more prestigious university directly across the bay.
We hope your collegiate experience will be an upstanding one, and we encourage you to heed a few codes of decorous behavior. While out-of-doors, coats and hats shall be worn at all times. Male students will not be seen to conduct themselves drunkenly in public; female students will not be seen fraternizing with male students after dusk; and there will be no female students. Please note, these rules do not apply within the erotical confines of the Bear’s Lair’s opium chamber.
All Cripples, Hare-Lips, and Retardeds should register with our Disabled Students Program by the second week of the new semester to receive your Extended-Time Testing and Bucket of Chicken Heads. Lest you forget, we are also impelled to mention yet again that ALL University of California students, regardless of ungodly deformity, are required to perform their mandatory community service hours. That pile of limestone blocks isn’t going to build a Campanile by itself.
We have become aware that youths such as yourselves will, from time to time, require various diversions of a non-academic nature. One such pastime suggested for your first week at the university is to search for the school’s many hidden bears. If you spot one, please alert the Game Wardens immediately. The brown devil will be hunted down and slaughtered, and the pelt will be yours to keep. We’ll beat these bastards yet!
Additionally, you may take turns riding BART into the city, but he tires easily and you must provide your own apples.
Finally, a note on your safety. We know you are all concerned with the recent influx of Asian student. We assure you he is harmless. In fact, your friends in the Admissions Office dream of a day when dozens of such Asiatics will freely roam the campus, tending to their masters’ needs.
Chancellor David Wheeler-Eshleman-Sather-Evans-Casazimbabwe
[SAMPLE COURSE SCHEDULE]
Political Science 112 – The Civil War: Why All Your Friends Are Dead
DECal – Female Sexuality: It Terrifies Us
Mining R1B – Intro to Shovels
Boalt School Of Law Freshman Seminar – The Floatiness of Witches
Phrenology 62 – Drugs and the Skull
Oriental Studies – What are they?
Abacus Science 10 – Advanced Subtraction
Get ready for GREEK WEEK
Our fraternities have arranged for us a slate of thrilling activities including blindman’s bluff, grease-the-pig and chase-the-immigrant! Careful not to get too boisterous! We have church in the morning.
Sample all that student life has to offer at this exciting fair! We now have over three student groups to choose from. From the Animal Husbandry Society to the Society for Animal Husbandry, we have a variety [GOING OFF PAGE]