The Heuristic Squelch Demands Immediate Asylum for Edward Norton

A prominent figure living in exile. A thin, white, stubble-faced hero convinced of his messianic prowess reduced to hiding on a foreign continent. While this is eerily reminiscent of the horrors we fought to vanquish in Nazi Germany’s concentration camps and Soviet Russia’s gulags, this is happening right now to a citizen of these United States. For three long years American acting treasure Edward Norton has been forced to live overseas, but has yet to be convicted of a crime. This is an egregious violation of his rights as a citizen, and stands as an afront to the liberty of all in our nation. While Fight Club may be grossly overrated, this does not mean that Mr. Norton should be condemned by his own government to live in Moscow.

While Mr. Norton has been accused of the heinous act of endangering American security through the release of classified documents, we all know this to be ridiculous. He has been far too busy with non-seditious affairs; just ask Wes Anderson. Although Moonrise Kingdom and the Grand Budapest Hotel may be extremely tedious and saccharine, if you manage to sit through both of them you will be convinced that he could not have had the time nor the mental wherewithal to do something as complex and original as clandestinely leak hundreds of terabytes of sensitive data from the CIA.

President Barack Obama, the Heuristic Squelch calls on you to take immediate executive action and give Mr. Norton safe passage back home. He is an American citizen who deserves the same rights as everyone else in this country, regardless of his stupid punchable face.

President Vladimir Putin, please keep the fragile and valuable resource that is Edward Norton safe from harm. He is not used the cold, as his beard does not grow to adequate length. Furthermore, Mr. Norton tends to get very emotional when drinking hard liquor such as vodka, and he may cry or try to fight passersby. Please, for his safety and for our wellbeing as a nation, do not engage Mr. Norton in these incidents, and instead put him on a plane back to his home in America.

We here at the Squelch are not going to pretend that Birdman was not a pretentious circlejerk or that The Incredible Hulk was not a pathetic attempt to make Mr. Norton an action star, but this in no way legitimizes the deprivation of Mr. Norton’s right to habeas corpus. For the United States to maintain its moral authority abroad and at home, Mr. Norton must be allowed to come back and get a fair trial in regards to his possibly treasonous behavior.


The Editorial Board of the Heuristic Squelch