A 2,800-year-long investigation has formally implicated accomplished deity Zeus in a breach of Mount Olympus sexual harassment policies. Complaints date as far back as 773 BC and involve several men, women, immortals, deer, goats, and children.
The original list of complaints includes a litany of accusations against the God of thunder and Lightning. Some of the shocking claims include the deity transforming into a bull in order to trick Europea into bearing him many sons, transforming into a swan as an easy way to have sex with the mortal Leda, and harassing a woman named Io who refused to sleep with him by having her constantly followed and stung by a gadfly.
Many members of the godly community are also calling for justice. “Transforming into a non-human creature in order to assault women is a clear violation of both divine and mortal law,” remarked Hades, lord of the underworld and ruler of the dead, “We demand he be held accountable for his actions.”
Zeus’ wife Hera denies the accusations in full: “I’ve known Zeus for many years, and as his sister and wife, I should know better than anyone that he would never do such a thing—just ask his mother slash fifth wife. He’s a really good guy!”
Zeus has since tendered his resignation from being King of the Gods and acknowledged his misconduct in an apology letter he cast down from Mount Olympus. “Although I do not agree completely with the complaints that have been made, I have seen the error of my ways. I’ve been doing some reflecting amongst the cosmos and have found my true passion in astronomy. I am the God of thunder and lightning after all! I don’t know what’s next for me but I’ve always wanted to teach…”