Hello Potential Customer,
I’m Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn, proud owner and operator of Deathfuker’s School for Etiquette and Deportment. We at Deathfuker’s are committed to transforming candy asses into confident and successful citizens through an intensive ten-step program.
Step 1: Clothes make the man. All you really need are blue jeans and a wife beater. Burn everything else.
Step 2: Buy all of Manowar’s albums and absorb their message. If your pubes haven’t grown at least 3 inches then you’re not listening correctly.
Step 3: Get multiple tattoos. People need to think you’re a Satanic gang member who will drink the marrow from their bones if the opportunity arises. They’re also good conversation starters.
Step 4: Grow a handlebar mustache. Whether you’re at a parole hearing or a business meeting, nothing says, “I’m gonna fuck you up later,” like a handlebar mustache.
Step 5: Invest in a switch-blade or a small firearm and start openly carrying it in public. Make it visible enough to ensure your fellow citizens sincerely fear for their lives.
Step 6: Begin to swear more. It will make you seem like a no-nonsense individual who could snap at any moment.
Step 7: Never refer to someone by their actual name. Gain alpha dog status by addressing others with derogatory titles like “pieface” or “nippleburger.”
Step 8: Buy a motorcycle. It lets others know you’ve arrived, and gives the impression that you are physically well-endowed.
Step 9: Go to your local bar or youth center and start cultivating your legend. Feel free to be creative. Remember: you don’t actually have to kill anyone, as long you can convince people you did.
I hope you found this brief overview of our intensive ten-week course helpful. By paying $39.99 a month for ten months, you will receive our VHS instructional videos, including the all-important tenth step. (Hint: It involves the female vagina.)
If you’re ready to deathfuk yourself, then don’t delay!
Please send check or money order to :
Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn
Two Kings Mobile Home Park
1994 Edinburgh Lane, West Vegas