Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes

  1. Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
  2. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
  3. I think therefore I’m sad.
  4. A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it had the chance.
  5. Love is like a lucky penny. If it slips through your fingers, you’ll never find it again.
  6. People in glass houses will probably get skin cancer.
  7. Time flies when you’re on your deathbed.
  8. Nobody’s perfect. We’re alone in an indifferent universe.
  9. One man’s trash will sit in a landfill forever.
  10. When in Rome, your American dollars are nearly worthless.
  11. A stitch in time will stop the bleeding, so be sure to lock the bathroom door before you slit your wrists.
  12. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are drowning in the gutter.
  13. Shoot for the moon: even if you miss, you’ll starve to death in a tiny capsule.
  14. If it ain’t broke, you’ll probably break it, you clumsy little shit.
  15. The apple never falls far from the tree, where its seeds will never grow because sunlight cannot reach underneath that selfish goddamn tree.
  16. Tragedy plus time equals alcoholism.
  17. You can’t teach an old dog that its life is almost over.