We at the Heuristic Squelch know that the last thing you want to think about is money, but these obscure campus scholarships might be your only chance to graduate without a second mortgage on your kidneys. Just remember, some some of the scholarships require essays or other criteria for submission. Good luck!
The Franklin McArthur Journalism Scholarship:
This $5,000 scholarship will be awarded to the journalism major who can go the longest before telling his parents that he’s no longer doing pre-med.
Department of Graduate Studies Scholarship:
We will endow $6,000, regardless of field of study, to the one graduate student who has enough spare time to apply for a scholarship.
Essay: Describe your fantasy job, and then explain why you would ever think that graduate school would help you get it.
British Petroleum PR Relief Scholarship:
The BP Scholarship will award $5,000 to up to three UC Berkeley students who truly don’t care where their scholarship money comes from.
Logo Design Contest: Design a logo that makes people forget we destroyed the Gulf of Mexico.
Cal Student Store Scholarship:
We will award $4,000 to a UC Berkeley freshman who hasn’t yet realized that he wouldn’t need a scholarship if he just bought his books off Amazon.com.
John Yoo Scholarship:
The John Yoo Scholarship will award $2,000 to a student in the Boalt School of Law. The student should be ambitious, creative, and willing to justify the most immoral acts that can be performed on another human being.
Essay: Write about an experience in which you persevered despite living in a city in which the entire populace wanted you arrested.
William Randolph Hearst Scholarship:
We will award $15,000 to the UC Berkeley student who can lead the United States to war with Spain.
The Bill & Melinda Gates Philanthropy Scholarship:
We will grant $10,000 to one UC Berkeley student who is arrogant enough to think that he can win this exclusive scholarship.
Essay: Explain why, in this age of extreme inequality, where millions go without food or infrastructure, you specifically are entitled to this money to get your English degree.
The UCPD Fellowship will award $1,500 dollars to a UC Berkeley student interested in a career in criminal justice.
Photo contest: Submit incriminating photos of police brutality. Only send originals. Make no copies.
Amnesty International Scholarship for Social Consciousness:
We will award $5,000 to the UC Berkeley freshman who can ask the most off-topic, sanctimonious questions in his or her American History lecture.
The Stephenson Institute’s Scholarship for Ironic Philanthropy :
We will award $12,000 to whichever college freshman needs and/or deserves the money the least.
Essay: Describe how little either winning or losing this scholarship will affect your privileged financial standing.
Folklore Department Scholarship:
We will award $3,000 dollars to any undergraduate, regardless of major, who can justify this department’s existence.