In a press conference held at the White House on Wednesday, a spokesman representing FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security stated that from now on, all misdeeds, misdemeanors, natural disasters, hunting accidents, and war crimes would be recognized as the fault of God. “How can individuals be held accountable for their actions when everything is ultimately controlled by the omnipotent Creator?” explained spokesman Stuart Driebble as he made his daily sacrifice of fifteen well-nourished steers upon a flaming altar just outside of the White House pressroom.
This new policy is expected to lead to the release of innumerable murderers, rapists, war criminals, and psychopaths into the general populace. However, Driebble insisted that “people will no longer be punished for their actions or for shooting a 78-year-old lobbyist in the face with a shotgun just because God made them do it.” Meanwhile, charges, including those of genocide in the Sudan and causing Hurricane Katrina, are being raised against the Almighty. Law officials are now preparing for the second coming of Christ so they may efficiently apprehend and interrogate the Messiah as soon as He decides to show up again and stops hiding in heaven like a wuss.
