A Very Few Special Entries in the Diary of Genghis Khan

March 4, 1187 AD

Today one of my more talkative concubines suggested that I should get a girlfriend. A girlfriend, she said, is a lot like a concubine, except you can’t have sex with other more attractive concubines, and that, get this, when she cries you actually have to beat her less instead of more. Wow, where do I sign?! Just kidding, that sounds retarded.

March 11, 1187 AD

I have decided to give this girlfriend thing a shot, if only out of boredom; I grow weary of my usual leisure activities, which consist of exiling my inferiors for insubordination and punching cattle. Tomorrow I am going “on the prowl,” which is what men without concubines call a girlfriend hunt.

March 12, 1187 AD

Although I seized plenty of women on my girlfriend hunt, none of them wanted to be my girlfriend. One of my generals suggested that I came on too strong when I brought twelve legions of my finest warriors into  the singles bar and slaughtered thousands. I took his words to heart, and then exiled him for  insubordination.

March 18, 1187 AD

I tried an ancient Mongolian remedy for my woman problems: Match.com. My Match.com profile slaughtered thousands of other Match.com profiles.

March 22, 1187 AD

So Match.com finally worked. I’m supposed to go out tomorrow for Mongolian barbecue with some girl. I fucking hate Mongolian barbecue. And even though I’m dealing with the weaker and inferior sex, apparently I’m expected to wear my least filthy fur coat and have less lamb sinew in my teeth than usual. Already I feel more whipped than a Chinese slave.

March 23, 1187 AD

So the date actually went really well. I don’t know just quite what it is, but when I was with her, I experienced the opposite of murderous rage. At dinner we talked and talked and it turns out that we like all the same things: ruthless conquest, ritualistic torture, the new Justin Timberlake CD. We went to the park and fed the birds, then ate them. I did what some of my men call “holding hands,” which is strange and difficult to explain but I’ll try: touching her without entering her unwillingly.

April 14, 1187 AD

Today is a ver y special day indeed. We watched the sun set over the plains as we lay next to one another, picking the ticks out of each other’s armpit hair. Afterwards, we went back to my yurt and drank rice-wine. One thing led to another, and I discovered something very beautiful indeed. Women can produce their own lubrication.

May 8, 1189 AD

So we’ve been going out for about two years now, and I thought I had waited long enough. Today I told her this: out of all the girls I’ve met, I can honestly say that you are the one I’ve had the least desire to discipline. I asked her to marry me, and she said yes! I feel as if I have become a changed man; the only thing I slaughtered this day is loneliness.