The Unchosen People

Those of the Jewish faith refer to themselves as the Chosen People. This is wrong. God never picked anyone as Chosen, and only through a series of hilarious mix-ups did the Jews ever come to this incorrect conclusion.



Abraham : [falling to his knees] Oh Lord, forsaken are we! Please, hear my cry and guide our people!
God : [waking up] Huh? What? Who the fuck is this?
Abraham : Mighty Lord, it is I, Abraham, your faithful servant!
God : How did you get this number?
Abraham : Oh Lord, I beg you, show us the way to salvation!
God : Uh huh. What’s in it for me?
Abraham : Ah, uh, well. Eternal worship?
God : Already have it.
Abraham : Loving admiration?
God : Made tons of angels for that purpose already. Next?
Abraham : I’ll cut the skin off the end of my dick and make all my kids do the same.
God : Holy shit. Alright, but let me know before you do it, because I want to see that.


Abraham : [falling to his knees] Lord, cursed is our existence on this plane!
God : [waking] Huh?! Oh, you again. What now?
Abraham :Lord, I am humble and faithful to you, but we are weak where we should be strong! How is it that I may please you?
God : [yawning] I always like a good sacrifice.
Abraham : Yes, of course Lord! Your will be done! I shall find the mightiest bull in the lands and offer him to you.
God : Animals? Boooooring. I thought you loved me. Don’t you have any family to sacrifice? Sack up, Abe.
Abraham : Family?! That’s fucking insan– Ah, excuse me Lord. Yes, my son Isaac, strongest of my progen–
God : Great, have him on my desk by Sunday. Hey, does this beard make my ass look big?


Moses : [falling to his knees] Lord, show yourself to me, and reveal our path!
God : Oh great, more of you. What now?
Moses : Lord, your Chosen People are slaves to the Pharaoh! Our faith is strong, but we are dying in droves at the hands of the Egyptians!
God : Wait, who is this?
Moses : It is I, Lord, Moses!
God : Hoo boy. Alright Boses–
Moses : Moses, sir.
God : Right, Moses. Here’s what I’ll do, Moe. I’ll fill the streets with blood, rats, frogs, and beasts, kill all their cattle, cover the people in boils, bring hail, locusts, darkness, and then kill all their first born children.
Moses : I… Huh. Wow. I was just hoping for some health insurance.
God : Nah, I’ve dealt with people like this before. Don’t worry.
Moses : Are you sure? Killing all their children? Don’t you think that’s going to exacerbate the situation?
God : Eh.


Moses : [falling to his knees] Lord, the Pharaoh’s army has been swept away and we have fled his rule! Praise be to you, my Lord!
God : Fuck, you again?
Moses : Lord, you have done so much, I only ask that you guide us to the land of Israel.
God : Uh huh. Listen, I’m putting out a lot of bush fires up here, I’m pretty busy.
Moses : Mighty God, I beseech you, please show us the way!
God : [sighing] Fine. Head out into the desert and I’ll talk to you again soon.
Moses : As you wish, Lord! How long will we be there?
God : Two, three days. Tops. Also, I’m sick of you jerks thinking you’re so high and mighty. Institute some law and order.
Moses : At once, Lord! What sort of law?
God : Basic stuff. Single women can’t be with men after sunset, you don’t show the top of your head to me, never shave your beard.
Moses : That uh… Well, you’re the boss. What shall we call these laws?
God : [sneezes]
Moses : Halakha it is!