Some of our more astute readers may have noticed that there was no January issue, while some of our more illiterate readers may have been frightened by the use of “astute” and are now crying and looking for an adult. … Read More
Tag Archives: Fred Taylor-Hochberg
Driving School
Taught By a Vietnam Vet
Okay. Driving. Shit. It’s a lot like going native and building a secret jungle base decorated with human skulls: it requires planning and care.
How can I make you kids understand just what driving is like?
[sits in silence … Read More
This Year for Halloween, I’m Going as Drunk
Words From the Top
With Halloween just around the corner, I’m sure all of you readers out there have been feverishly designing terrible costumes. Ooh, you’re going as Harry Potter! Ever get drafty in your house made of originality? Oh, man, one of those … Read More
The Black Death Hits Berkeley
After years of grubbing for funds, UC-Berkeley’s physics department is finally given a grant to build the world’s first functioning time machine. A prototype is built, a list of pre-modern broads to have sex with is written up, and in … Read More
Fuck You, Belgian Exchange Student
If there’s one thing that open-minded and culturally aware people like me can’t stand, it’s Belgians. One of those waffle-munching fuckers was my roommate for a semester while he studied at Berkeley. Using his charmingly broken English and exotic European … Read More
There’s a New Sheriff[s] in Town
Dear Reader:
So it looks like the old editors decided to be pricks and graduate. It turns out that they had done some bullshit loophole thing and “completed their core requirements with a minimum grand point average of 2.0.” Well … Read More
Animal Love
What follows are transcripts of conversations between Earth’s creatures about the ups and downs of their love lives, collected through extensive field work and less extensive peyote use.
_Two male lions kick back after a long, hard day of waiting … Read More
A Very Few Special Entries in the Diary of Genghis Khan
March 4, 1187 AD
Today one of my more talkative concubines suggested that I should get a girlfriend. A girlfriend, she said, is a lot like a concubine, except you can’t have sex with other more attractive concubines, and that, … Read More
Guitar Hero Disappointed by Lack of Ass
Local guitar hero Shawn Fallon was disappointed by the lack of women offering to have sex with him after a performance last night. Fallon, who has never played big-people guitar, assumed that his performance in the Guitar Hero video game … Read More
What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
Marx participates in the system of collectivist production!
Co-opper: Hey Marx, dinnertime!
Marx: Finally! What are we having?
Co-opper: Tofu and eggplant casserole, fruit we got from Dumpster diving, and some dirt we found in the yard.
Marx: That’s repulsive. … Read More
