This Year for Halloween, I’m Going as Drunk

Words From the Top

With Halloween just around the corner, I’m sure all of you readers out there have been feverishly designing terrible costumes. Ooh, you’re going as Harry Potter! Ever get drafty in your house made of originality? Oh, man, one of those Star Wars elves or whatever? Yeah, that’ll get the ladies to moist up real good. Well you know what? Don’t bother. Because my costume will have sex with all of your costumes’ moms. This year, I’m going as drunk.

Let me lay out why my costume will be better than yours. First of all, yours will probably involve something stupid, like “garments.” My outfit requires nothing extra other than a handle of Cuervo and a free afternoon. Second, you’re probably going to spend all night explaining who you are. “I’m Commander Gayballs from BattleStar Gaylacitigay” you’ll say, to the confused faces of the general public. I, however, will be immediately recognizable as drunk. “Oh my God you’re drunk!” they’ll say, smiling knowingly as they escort me out of the library.

Shit, it’s not even funny how much candy my costume’ll get. You know that song, “The Big Rock Candy Mountain?” The one where that guy has a lot of candy that he got from going drunk for Halloween the night before? That’s what it’s going to be like. Once I get out of this Haunted Police Station Party and get my possessions back from all these people in police costumes, maybe I’ll share some with you.