You find yourself in front of a large, ancient castle.Rain pours in sheets all around you, and a flash of lightning reveals a lever that appears to be hooked up to the castle’s door.

pull lever

As the portcullis creaks open, you clutch your sword tightly, not sure of what you will find in Drangonius’ lair.A sense of dread hangs in the air like hideous curtains.

look around

As you enter the dark wizard’s well furnished castle you notice he’s got a good balance of color going and the flow from one chamber to the other is simply breathtaking.

walk north

You walk through the halls of rough-hewn stone, footsteps echoing.Your eyes are drawn to the subtle transition from an earthy thing to more of an art deco feel.You stop to look at the crown molding.

keep walking north

You are temporary hypnotized with fascination over the crown molding.It’s sooooo well placed!You wonder who Drangonius’ decorator is.

okay fine look at the crown molding

Before you can get a closer look, you are interrupted by the sounds of a grisly hunchback shuffling his way through the hall. As you reach for your sword his crusting eyes squint at you and his browning teeth snarl out.He asks you if you watched the America’s Next Top Model marathon last weekend.

what? no tell him I say no

“Oh my God, I loved it too!” rasps the hunchback.The hunchback asks if you want to go back to his room for appletinis.He’s got a new cocktail shaker he wants to try out.

attack hunchback

What do you want to attack him with?

check inventory

You have:

1 sword

1 bottle of Grey Goose

1 _C+C Music Factory _Album

1 pastel button-up shirt with corduroy dinner jacket that TOTALLY does not color clash despite what Craig would have you believe

sword use the sword

What do you want to use the sword on?While you’re deciding, the hunchback begins giving you a chest massage.

fuck it just go north some more

Leaving the hunchback behind, you walk through a hall adorned with posters of ‘50s movie musicals.After what seems like ages, you come across a large, oak door.This is it.This is the portal to Drangonius’ throne.Here, you will meet the dark wizard who killed your entire village, used their souls to summon a demon from the darkest depths of Hell, and embarrassed you in front of everyone at Bryce’s birthday party.

enter throne room

The oaken door swings open to reveal Drangonius fussing around with an arrangement of eldritch tomes on his coffee table.He notices you with a start and throws his hands above his head while manically shrieking “Oh my God. Oh, my, God, I’m not ready; everything is a total mess!”He begins puttering around the throne room putting things in order and straightening out his mesh shirt.


Drangonius looks at you mock-indignantly and says “Oooh, listen to her,” as he applies gel to his beard.He begins setting up a platter of brie and asiago bread. “Well, you might as well help me set up.”He hands you a pile of napkins to fold.




run away from the wizard please

go south

south south south