Emo-bot 2000 Meets the Press

On September 25, 2007, Apple’s much-hyped Emo-Bot 2000 was finally unveiled. In an impressive show of artificial intelligence, the robot-computer hybrid was able to conduct its own Q&A session with Wired magazine.

What are Emo-Bot’s mp3 capabilities?

Emo-Bot is capable of playing any and all of Simple Plan songs in Emo-Bot’s room with the door locked. You would not understand.

What colors is Emo-Bot available in?

Emo-Bot used to be available in black, until all the other PC’s started being available in black. Now Emo-Bot is rebelliously available in pink, to be different from all PC’s, and incidentally the same as all other Emo-Bots.

Can Emo-Bot interface with the new iBook?

The new iBook does not interface with someone like Emo-bot. The new iBook doesn’t even know Emo-Bot exists.

There are rumors that Emo-Bot will not have wireless capabilities. Is this true?

Emo-Bot had wireless capabilities back before it was cool. Now Emo-Bot is bringing back dial-up. And track balls. Remember track balls?

Critics bashed your previous model, the Emo-Bot Zero, for problems with files being erased or lost. Have you remedied this problem?

Erasing Emo-Bot’s own files is the only thing that makes Emo-Bot feel alive. Maybe someday Emo-Bot will erase all his files, maybe then you will be sorry for treating Emo-Bot like this.

In the last issue of PC World, you were quoted criticizing your competitors passionately and profanely. Any comment on this?

Those quotes were taken out of context from Emo-Bot’s LiveJournal, which is now accessible to “Friends Only.” And Emo-Bot has no friends.

We’ve heard tell of an automatic terrible poetry creating program. Is there any truth t—


The pen cuts me, and Emo-Bot feels the ink

fill Emo-Bot’s circuits, like blood.

Blood, which Emo-Bot will never feel.

Emo-Bot will never feel.

The wires are like barbs

But you’ll never know how it hurts Emo-Bot

The WIRES are like BARBS!

[Robot poetry continues on pages 24-49]