Volume 17- Issue 1

Unregistered Sex Offenders

August 1, 2007

California law stipulates that all convicted sex offenders must register their name and address with the state. However, many slip through the cracks in this system. By not technically breaking any laws, a few perverted, depraved individuals roam free and non-humiliated. As the campus’ shining beacon of morality, the Squelch is compelled to provide you with a list of unregistered sex offenders.**

Name**: Grant Pollard
Age : 18
Infraction(s) :

  • Blatantly masturbated in dorm room while roommate had obviously not gone to sleep yet.

  • Masturbated to thought of female antagonist from High School Musical.

  • DC++ profile filled exclusively with horrifying cartoon porn.
    Precautions :

If you are a cute Asian girl who is into Playstation 3 and anime, continue to not exist in the general vicinity of Foothill.

Name : Lizzy Klein
Age : 20
Infraction(s) :

  • Stuck finger in boyfriend’s ass before making sure it was cool with him first.

  • It was not.

  • Keeps getting yeast infections, which while not entirely her fault, is still pretty annoying and gross.
    Precautions :

If around the Shattuck area, do not state that you might be into pegging after getting drunk a couple days before her birthday. Never again, man. Never again.

Name : Alexis Cho
Age : 20
Description : Overly Liberated Asian Girl
Infraction(s) :

  • Leaves vibrator in dishwasher.

  • Constantly claims to be bisexual because she made out with a girl at a party once.
    Precautions :

Try not to remind her of men or women. Use gender-neutral pronouns/words. Reproduce through mitosis.

Name : Aria Alger
Age : 12?
Infraction(s) :

  • Is hot.

  • Flawless makeup and godly push-up bra.
    Precautions :

Come on dude, keep it together dude.

Name : Charlie
Age : 56 (dog years)
Description : Very bad boy
Infraction(s) :

  • Unwanted dry humping of pants legs.

  • Lecherous drooling.

  • Refusal to wear clothes in public.
    Precautions :

Dog whistles, rape whistles, and dog-rape whistles should be carried at all times. Alternatively, suspect can be distracted by squirrels, which are available for free at most rape-prevention workshops.