What follows are transcripts of conversations between Earth’s creatures about the ups and downs of their love lives, collected through extensive field work and less extensive peyote use.
_Two male lions kick back after a long, hard day of waiting for the females to bring the food home. _
Bill : So my last girlfriend, right? Total controlling bitch. “Why do you stay out so late?” this. “Why don’t you ever call?” that. “Why is your penis covered with tiny, backward-facing spines?” Blah, blah, blah.
Larry : I feel you on the spines thing, man. Women bitch and bitch about the spines, but you know that they’d be totally unable to ovulate without them.
Bill : Thank you! See, that’s what I told her. But did it help? Noooo. I guess she was already pissed at me for killing the other males in the pride and eating her young so as to ensure that only my genes are passed on.
Larry : Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t live without extremely rough and painful sex with them.
Two toads succumb to their star-crossed love. _
Lisa : [_huffily] So your dad doesn’t seem to like it that I’m from a different species.
John : Lisa, I’m really sorry about him. I mean it. But you shouldn’t worry about the things he said, or his shouted warnings not to touch you as we left. I’m not like him. I love everything about you. I love your bright blue skin—the way it glistens in the moonlight, the way it warns predators, the way your paratoid gland secretes alkaloids when you laugh…
Lisa : Really?
John : Yeah.
Lisa : John, that is so sweet. [kisses him]
John : [dies of nervous system failure]
Nightfall brings bad news for these two blue jays. _
Martin : [_landing quietly] Okay Martin, play it cool, play it cool…
Sylvia : [springing from the nest] Where the hell have you been!
Martin : I, I just got back from the Wise Owl … it’s about my feathers.
Sylvia : Oh my God. Is it–
Martin : I have bird herpes.
Sylvia : [realizing] You son of a bitch. You slept with that fucking pigeon from work, didn’t you! You stupid son of a bitch, you brought a pigeon-whore into our nest!
Martin : [starting to cry] Sylvia… I…
[a ten year old with an Airsoft gun kills both of them]
Children are always a handful, and this hamster couple is experiencing that fact firsthand. _
Tim : [_reading his shredded newspaper] Honey … did you eat Tim Jr.?
Sara : [mouth full of Tim Jr.] Nopfff.
Tim : [sighing] I should’ve married the water bottle.
Accusations of infidelity threaten to tear this hippo couple apart. _
Brenda : [_angrily] So who’s this slut in your mouth?
James : Honey, for the last time, we spend time together as friends. She picks the parasites off me and, in return, gets protection from predators.
Brenda : [incredulous] Oh, I see. It’s just symbiosis. If I had a goddamn penny for every time I heard that…
James : She’s a fucking bird, Brenda. Even if I wanted to have sex with her I couldn’t. I’m a hippo, my dick is like a grain silo!
Brenda : Get out of my swamp!
James : Your swamp?
Brenda : Float you!
James : Float your mother!
[accidentally inhales bird]
James : [sighing] Are you happy now?