Guitar Hero Disappointed by Lack of Ass

Local guitar hero Shawn Fallon was disappointed by the lack of women offering to have sex with him after a performance last night. Fallon, who has never played big-people guitar, assumed that his performance in the Guitar Hero video game might act as a catalyst for getting ass, analogous to the method used by actual guitarists with actual guitars. Music critic and follower of Fallon’s career Craig Hutch cited Fallon’s lackluster performance and overreliance on Star Power as the source of the vaginal deficit.

In a statement from Fallon’s couch, Hutch pointed his twelfth beer of the night at the screen and said “What the fuck are you doing!? You got to feel it, man! Shit, no wonder you‘re not getting laid.” Although Fallon was able to wow the audience by hitting 97% on “Bark at the Moon,” Fallon dejectedly remarked, “If I had hit that other 3% of notes, and women had been in the room, I’d be swimming in pussy by now.” He then played Boston’s “More Than A Feeling” one last time before going to bed.