Words From the Top

Shape Up, USA!

According to most of the studies done on this kind of thing, America is the fattest country in the world. I know for a fact that this isn’t true, because I know of some island nation somewhere where, no lie, nine out of ten people are John Goodman. You will have to look that up for me, but I swear it exists. It’s called Fat-Ass Island or something. But despite the fact that we are not the single worst country in this particular field, it would probably be a good idea to do something about this, because everyone on that island will probably die of heart disease soon, and then even the Samoans will be mussing up our hair and making oink noises whenever we use the United Nations’ showers.

In fact, Scientists postulate and Wikipedia agrees that America’s sleeping giant will soon enter into a diabetic coma and will be unable to defeat even the most pissant post-Colonial powers. For instance, Iraq and Fat-Ass Island. With the on-average thinner Chinese already running circles around our soldiers in such important fields as Table Tennis and Mahjong, the future looks bleak indeed.

We, as America’s fat citizens, will have to make sacrifices. According to the most recent census, the typical American meal includes a salad with bleu cheese crumbles and fried shrimp, a double cheeseburger stacked with bacon, avocado, onion rings, crab meat, chicken skin, two kinds of salad dressing, and a mayonnaise-based milkshake. We’re going to have to skim some items off the menu if we’re gonna catch up to Uncle Chen. Now, I’ve heard from several experts that avocados are inordinately rich with fat. So, off they go! Problem solved.

Here’s looking at thinner skies, America! We all ought to look like breastless AIDS sufferers in no time!