So it looks like the old editors decided to be pricks and graduate. It turns out that they had done some bullshit loophole thing and “completed their core requirements with a minimum grand point average of 2.0.” Well I say, fuck that noise. Have fun with the rest of your life: decorating your cubicles with “For Better or For Worse” cartoons and seriously considering flood insurance. Maybe you’ll see me out the greasy little window of your office building, both doing and eating donuts in the parking lot and blasting Blink 182. Not that I even like Blink 182. It’s just that you’d be too old to understand it.
Anyway, what this means for you the reader is that the magazine will be changing hands. But it doesn’t have to be a scary thing. I know you were with the old editors for a long time, but I think that we can have just as much fun together, if not more! You like video games? I like video games, too! You want to go to Hurricane Harbor? Unlike that bitch Mom of yours, I’ll take you there on weekends. You won’t have to worry around me, I’ll be like the cool editor. Want a cigarette?
Just so you know what you’ll be getting into, here’s a list of some of the transitions we plan on implementing this year:
- Changing the Squelch constitution from endorsing sexual harassment to expressing our indifference towards it.
- Hazing is a barbaric practice that should have been abandoned years ago. It will be dropped as soon as the ASUC OKs our constitution changes in January. Hang in there, newbies!
- The magazine, if ingested, will no longer immediately produce violent diarrhea.
- Due to a pending lawsuit, we will now be allowing black students on the staff. Sorry it took so long, guys!
- We’ve switched from employing monkeys on typewriters to Malaysian children on Apple II’s. They’re really finding their voices.
We look forward to entertaining you this year, please loosen our shackles. Ow! Stop whipping me!