If there’s one thing that open-minded and culturally aware people like me can’t stand, it’s Belgians. One of those waffle-munching fuckers was my roommate for a semester while he studied at Berkeley. Using his charmingly broken English and exotic European sensibilities, he managed to beat me in pretty much everything I did. See for yourself:
Inviting a girl home
Me : [nervously] So, uh, you want to go back to my place?
Girl : Shit no. Not if you were the last man on a post-apocalyptic Earth and the only food source left was roofies.
Belgian : [with endearing accent] Excuse me, would you like to go to house with me?
Girl : Oh my God, that was the cutest English mistake ever! What country are you from?
Belgian : Belgium. I’m here for study at Berkeley University and meet Americans. Are you having boyfriend?
Girl : Yes, but he’s abroad doing Peace Corps, and I know he can’t resist those Angolan refugee women for long. Now come here, you kind-of-German, kind-of-French man.
Turning in a bad paper
Me : Fuck, I wrote this twelve-page term paper at four AM. I did no research whatsoever, and I’m pretty sure that the “Works Cited” section is all just Wikipedia entries on Metal Gear Solid characters.
GSI : [cringing as she hands it to me] If I had kids this paper would have made them retarded.
GSI : I’m going to level with you: I’ve never seen a paper with so many grammar mistakes. And I’m pretty sure I assigned a paper on Hemingway’s “Farewell to Arms.” You wrote a personal essay about topless beaches.
Belgian : Oh, you see, it is my English; It is not so good.
GSI : [surprised] Oh, I didn’t realize! You’re that exotic and therefore attractive exchange student!
Belgian : May I please have, how you say, high grade?
GSI : Only if that’s Belgianese for “oral sex with me on this here table.”
Acceptance of Gays
Me : So you guys hear about this gay pride parade?
My friend Alex : Whoa there, man. I wish you’d tell me when you started playing for the other team.
Me : [incredulous] What is this homophobic crap you’re pulling? Are you seriously implying that I’m gay just because I’m interested in the dashing, virile gay community and their incredibly firm pectoral muscles?
My friend Alex : [awkward silence]
Me : [awkward silence]
Belgian : So I, how you say, attended Gay Pride parade last weekend.
Friend : How was it?
Belgian : I enjoyed very much. I was, how you say, fellated afterwards by burly Brazilian men while wearing a sequined headdress and listening to an Oscar Wilde book on tape.
Friend : Wow, Europeans are so much more secure in their sexuality.
Me : While I support the idea of affirmative action, I think that it’s been poorly executed. Racial inequality is a structural, systematic problem and can’t be completely solved with a stopgap measure such as quotas.
BAMN member : Don’t you have a cross burning to get to, Grand Wizard?
Belgian : Wow! So many colored people in this schools! Shouldn’t they be getting back to their tribes?
Other students : [impressed] It’s so refreshing to hear different perspectives!