Transformers They Don’t Want You to Know About


Transforms from a robot without herpes to a robot with herpes after having unprotected sex with Optimus Prime

Alternate Modes: Robot in free clinic, Robot calling all her old boyfriends
Motto: “But you’re the only one I’ve ever slept with!”


Doesn’t transform himself so much as he transforms votes.

Alternate Modes : OPEC pipeline, Machine that sells guns to children
Motto : “1, 2, 3, 7!”

Existential Crisitron

Alone among the transformers, Existential Crisitron is the only one to transform into a jet plane that cannot fly itself. His other form is a very unfulfilled pilot.

Alternate Modes: Car that cannot drive itself, chauffeur.
Motto: “I am the human condition.”

The Transformer in the Iron Mask

Denied his rightful place as king of France, stolen away at birth and secreted deep within the bowels of the Bastille, reviled and tormented, he has lived his entire life in an iron mask, underneath which is an equally iron face.

Alternate Modes : Identical twin brother of King Louis the XIV, minibus.


Able to transform into toys and other brand-related icons without seeking full permission of appropriate copyright holders.

Alternate Modes: Mighty Morphing Power Sheriff, Crush Dummy, GI Jake, and a Mickey Mouse television set that rebroadcasts Major League Baseball games
Motto: “I’m Grrreat!”


Able to transform from discount passenger jet into burning swampland.

Alternate Modes: Black box, Poorly attended memorial service