My Girlfriend

When you’re as picky as I am, it’s hard to find a girl that shares your interests. Girls that I dated in the past just weren’t into sitting in one position for up to twelve hours, being stared at by little kids, or peeing with someone’s assistance. But I found the girl of my dreams. Her name is Crystal (a fragile name, for a fragile spine) and it turned out she had been sitting right next to me all along. I was standing, of course, so it just took me a long time to see her. I was nervous talking to her at first.

Me: Did it hurt?
Cyrstal: Pardon?
Me: When you fell from Heaven.
Crystal: Oh, that’s cute. [giggling] But really, my dad pushed me down the stairs.
Me: I …see.

She was unlike any girl I’d ever met. It was magic. When I looked into her eye, and she into mine, and her seeing eye dog’s also into mine, I knew it was love. And you may not think so, but where Crystal really shines is in the bedroom, especially considering her complete and total inability to move or feel pleasure.

Me: Want to try a new position
Crystal: Sure, I’m game.
Me: I really want to try the Sacred Spelunking Stingray position. Just lean forward and arch your back as much as you can so your feet rest on your head and I’ll…
[large, wet cracking noise]
Crystal: What was that?
Me: I uh, er, I sat on some pretzels.

It feels amazing to know I’ve found the woman of my dreams and I’m doing a great deed as a humanitarian. Crystal is everything a man like me could ask for. We watch TV together, see movies together, and when she’s asleep I play frisbee with her guide dog. And I get to class so much faster riding on the back of her wheelchair, even though now I don’t know what to do with my Segway. So don’t let love just roll on by, seize it by the wheels! And if it screams, turn off its voice box.