Discount Wisdom

I never went back to that gloryhole once I found out there was a person on the other side.

NASCAR’s great. I mean, who doesn’t love a bunch of traffic?

People say that crows are a symbol of death, but I can think of a better one: the ambulance that just turned its sirens off.

I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than a nice pair of breasts. Unless, of course, they were attached to something.

If you do enough good deeds, the mayor will give you a giant key to the city. But he doesn’t give you giant pants to keep it in.

It doesn’t seem fair to me that if a vampire bites me, I become a vampire. But if I bite a vampire, he doesn’t become manic depressive.

James said he wasn’t a werewolf, but how do you explain him dying after only one silver bullet to the face?

When life gives you power, make Powerade.

If rocks had a feudal society, I think boulders would be the king, pebbles would be the peasants, and sand would be the peasants ground up into little pieces.