City Council Declares Bum Historic Landmark

Local vagrant Patches Wilkinson was declared a historic landmark by the Berkeley City Council last night. “For the past twenty four years, Mr. Wilkinson has brightened the corner of Dwight and Dana with his presence, and provided much-needed diversity to boot,” said Councilmember Kriss Worthington in a press conference.

“He is an integral part of our city’s history and we intend to keep him on that corner as long as possible,” he said. Compliance with the new act requires that Wilkinson and his environs be left entirely unchanged – the introduction of foreign change, clothing and food to the bum’s system is now prohibited.

In reaction to this legislation, the jubilant newly historical bum said, “For the love of God, either give me a 40 or kill me.” Wilkinson was honored to have the commemorative gold plate welded onto his back. His initial reaction was, “AAHHH!!!”