We here at the Squelch are proud to be entering our 16th year on this campus, and we’d like to celebrate by answering our readers’ most commonly asked questions. Unfortunately none of our readers have ever asked us anything. The only communication we have with our audience is when people spit at us on Sproul. So instead we broke into the offices of hundreds of other Berkeley publications and stole their mail.
Dear Smart Ass Squelch,
I’ve recently discovered that my boyfriend is a Republican! I love him, but how can I be with a man that denies my right to marry a woman?
What should I do?
Answer: Unfortunately there’s little hope for your situation. Make the break up quick and clean: bash his skull in with a rock.
Dear Cal Patriot Squelch,
I just found out that my girlfriend is actually a Democrat! I love her as much as a conservative can love a woman, what should I do?
Answer: Look out! She’s got a rock!
Dear Queer Resource Center Squelch,
Can I get HIV through oral sex?
Answer: Danny, you can do whatever you put your mind to. Thanks for writing in!
Dear La Voz El Squelch,
A los miembros de una cuadrilla de la calle ha secuestrado a mi marido anterior que se llamaba los Revolucionarios Muertos. Me tienen dicho que si no les traigo $35,000 dólares por la noche de miércoles corten su garganta delante de nuestro solamente hijo. Soy así que asustado y no sé a quién para dar vuelta. ¿Podría usted prestarme el dinero que necesito ahorrar al padre de mi hijo?
Answer: Margarite, in answer to your question, no, yes, no, sometimes, and Rick Moranis. Thanks for your question, and please enjoy this autographed photo of “Squelchy.”
Dear Daily Cal Squelch,
In last week’s article “League of Women Voters to Supervise Election,” the author implied he was against women’s right to vote. Am I misconstruing this, or did I read it as intended??
Answer: Dear Jessie, we here at the Squelch are intimately familiar with the Women’s Suffrage movement and couldn’t oppose it more.
Well, we hope this answers all your questions about the Heuristic Squelch. If you have any further questions about our operation, please spit at us.