Sports Quickies

Isiah Thomas Appoints His Horse President of Basketball Operations Local media was quick to question the surprise move, suggesting the horse lacks both the experience and bathroom training necessary to manage a major NBA franchise, but Thomas and the horse refuted such concerns. When asked how the new deal would impact the team’s salary cap woes, he struck his foot on the ground twice then neighed. Thomas was then asked to sit down so the horse could answer the question.


Tom Brady Once Again Appears in Area Man’s Sex Dream

“So I like watching football in bed, I don’t see what the big deal is,” he said. He then kissed his wife dispassionately and with little enthusiasm.


**Mighty Ducks “Mighty Gay” Says Guy on Internet **

Online Blackjack Player Leaves Window Open Overnight, Resulting In 2 Million Dollar Loss

“Fuck,” he was quoted as saying.

ESPN2 Merges All Programming

In an effort to fit in seven more early morning broadcasts of Sportscenter, ESPN2 has announced the merger of its Darts, Curling, Bowling, Dominos, Poker, Trick Pool Shots, and Regular Pool Shots programs. The new show, entitled “Who cares, it’s 2 AM and you’re drunk anyway,” has already resulted in the deaths of three players due to dart-related injuries. Meanwhile, a fourth clings to life with a mouth full of dominos and an ass full of playing cards. When asked for comment, ESPN2 rebroadcast that show where camels fight each other.