How I Met My Identical Twin Brother

Most people think that finding a long lost twin would be really cool. But then again most people are complete fucking idiots. Case in point, Mormons.

At My Doorstep

Me: [opens door] Oh my God! You…you look just like me! I can’t believe it!
Him: I’m your long lost twin!
Me: [in awe] Wow…we have the exact same hair and eyes! Quick, what’s your favorite movie?
Him: City of God.
Me: Mine too!
Him: Wow! Amazing! And your high school GPA?
Me: 3.88.
Him: [nodding emphatically] Mine also!
Me: I can’t believe this! We are exactly ali–
Him: And I have a fourteen inch cock!

Playing Rock, Paper, Scissors

Him: [waving hand] Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three.
Me: Rock! Him: Rock!
Together: Damn it!
Me: Okay, okay, the current score is 0-0-2,567. Next one wins. One, two, three!
Together: Rock!
Him: How about this…let’s be able to choose any object in the world. Any object. We’ll decide who wins afterward. Deal?
Me: Deal. One…two…three.
Him: Roc- Me: Rock! Fuck!

At a Job Interview

Me: So you see, I have a lot of filing experience.
Interviewer: And what makes you think that I would suddenly give you the job if you came back later in the day with a different name?
Me: What? Oh…but that’s my identical twin you see, he must have circled the same job opening as me.
Interviewer: Then why are you wearing a fake mustache?

Meeting My Girlfriend

Me: [walks into room] Oh my God! You’re not fucking me, that’s my twin brother!
My Girlfriend: uhh [groaning]…yeah [groaning]…I know [groaning]…
Me: [sobbing] some anniversary this is.

We Finally Get A Job Together…on Days of Our Lives

Father: I fear I may not be here for much longer…
Me: Oh dad, you can’t leave me now!
Father: It’s okay Eric; you’ll inherit all of my wealth soon.
[Cue in organ music, man with eye patch enters]
Him: We’ll see about that…father.
Me: My evil twin brother and arch-nemesis, Brian! But I thought you died in an off-screen car crash!
Him: Ohh but I did. I did. Muwhahaha!
[More organ music]
Him: …Muwhahaha!