Words From the Top

Head Bang Me

My life is pretty much da bomb. I’m not only wealthy, but I have plenty of money and am not poor. Yes, you could say I have absolutely everything a human being could ever possibly need for a lifetime of bliss and contentment.

You could say that. But you’d be wronger than dog porn.

What I am missing is the power to make every single woman in the room want to bink my jink all night long, or until I prematurely ejaculate and pretend to fall asleep. I have therefore decided that I will become…

…a rock and roll superhero.

It won’t be easy. If I am to become the ultimate crime-fighting, lick-shredding, girl-saving, power-soloing god of rock and roll superherodom that makes enthusiastic jink binkers out of hotties the world over, I’ll have a lot of work to do. For instance, figuring out what the fuck a rock and roll superhero is. I have therefore devised a series of rules to help any potential rock and roll superheroes down their path to kicking ass, taking names, and then adding those names to their band’s infrequently updated email list with news about gigs and merch.

But hey, you ask, rudely interrupting my awesomeness, isn’t rock and roll inherently anti-establishment? Can you be a defender of law and order and still spew forth ear-bleedingly savage rock two to three times a week? In response I’d say, “What!? I’m sorry, this much savage rock has devastated my hearing,” but then, after you yelled the question louder and wrote down some of the longer words, I would reply “Fuck yeah!”

Perhaps you cannot fathom just how many women I would be banging as both a rock star and a superhero. We’re talking about amphitheatres full of women. You could see these orgies from space. The STDs generated by such an event would have their own STDs which would themselves have colds.

Entire motel chains would go out of business as the orgy glided smoothly from structure to structure, demolishing bathrooms, bedrooms, and outdoor patios wherever it went. Entire families of white trash would get swept up in it like a tornado and emerge on the other side naked and with significant hearing loss.

In summary, the elimination of seedy motel chains would probably stop crime or something. I’m not sure, it’s hard to think when you’ve had an erection for 5 months straight.