It happens every Saturday night all over America, in towns just like yours. Young people gather to have a few drinks, and those drinks turn into a few too many. Then, tragedy strikes: there’s no decent food around. In fact, a lack of late night munchies is the nation’s number one killer of good vibes. Fortunately, this can all be avoided with a little vigilance and a lot of swerving. Thanks to the miracle of 24-hour drivethrus and 3 A.M. drunk driving, no longer do college students bum away in starvation. But when someone’s too drunk to get behind the wheel and drive to Jack in the Box, remember: just say “yo!” Then, having got your friends’ attention, say “shotgun”; that way, you can make sure the driver is adequately distracted by loud, loud music.
“But,” you ask, “am I fadrunk, too drunk to driving bluh hrumfuh?” Just go by this simple acronym to find out every time. After all, why own a car if you’re not going to drive it… occasionally into a telephone pole? Just ask yourself if you’re SAFE:
Shitfaced: Are you?
Alcohol: Want some more, for courage? Fast: Wanna go it? Emergency brake: You’ll always notice you left it on the whole time when you return from getting food.
Alright, so you’ve determined you’re properly slanted before getting behind the wheel. And your jackoff buddies in the backseat are baying at the night and whipping bottles at parked cars. Everything’s set to go. Right?
No, left! Always take only left turns and you’ll end up wherever you want to go. That’s a little tip from celebrity intoxicated driving enthusiast Billy Joel! What other tips do you have for us, Mister Joel?
Billy Joel’s Tip: Hi kids! I’m Billy Joel. You might remember me for such songs as “Piano Man” and “Allentown,” and such car accidents as Long Island Tree and A House. Those were pretty good times, but I’ll tell you what isn’t good times: signaling when driving drunk. Remember never to signal any lane changes (it shows other drivers you are weak) and under no circumstances should you obey stop signs (they take away your power).
Thanks Billy! Now, here’s something else to think about: destination. Pick a place that everyone can agree on; in the case of drunk people, everyone can agree on “food.” Good ideas for late-night eats include Mexican food (carbs) and burgers (meaty goodness). Bad things to eat include gyros (gross) and whatever a hobo is sleeping on (it’s probably a gyro). Also, be sure to have a good idea of where your chosen restaurant is actually located, because if you’re relying on secondhand directions dictated and written while drunk, you’ll be headed towards Ten Hundred and Six Road Street, Drawing of a Penis.
Now, after you’ve made it to the restaurant and loaded up on choice food, remember not to let your buzz down. On the way back, get that adrenaline going again by taking some time for the Trick Round. Now’s the time to pull your best donut, bootlegger turn, or Tokyo powerslide for the amusement of your drunken friends. Who, of course, are too busy eating to notice the sweet, sweet danger all around.
Billy Joel’s Tip: One of my favorite moves is the Moonshiner’s Turn, where you start parked, throw the bitch into reverse and spin the wheel for a perfect 180. Pull that off and you’ll be saying, “We DID start the fire!” After plowing into an electrical transformer backwards.
But couldn’t you just stay in and order pizza? And in doing so, avoid possible damage to property, incarceration, and death? The answer is NO! And I’ll let Billy Joel explain why:
Billy Joel’s Tip: Huh? Where in the fuck am I? What did I just… why is my car in a building? So much smoke… Is this an orphanage? I hear crying. I’m just… just going to sleep this off for a spell. Could someone call my lawyer?