Crime Scene #1:
Double Homicide, Kitchen
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, hmmm, yes.
[Holmes paces up and down the dingy room excitedly, pausing briefly every few minutes to examine a loose screw or the victims’ shoes.]
Detective Brass: His wife was a–
Holmes: Yes, a seamstress. I know.
Dr. Watson: Amazing! How…
Holmes: Notice the way his cuffs were perfectly re-sewn, and the small depression in this doorknob suggesting his wife favored her right ring-finger with an unusual proclivity, likely due to her right thumb and fore-finger’s exhaustion from long hours with a sewing needle.
Watson: By Jove!
Brass: No, she was a stockbroker, and the husband was–
Holmes: Yes, a steamboat captain, notice the distinctive way the left pant leg is tucked into his boot while the other is loose, a necessary precaution as the gears of a steamboat lie so close to an operator’s left foot.
Brass: No, he was a computer programmer.
Holmes: Hrumph! As If I’d take the word of someone with the over-sized left pinky of a haberdasherist. I mean really!
[Holmes injects himself with cocaine.]
The Ballistics Lab
CSI Warrick Brown: The grooves match. These two bullets were fired by the same gun, I just wish Sherlock Holmes wasn’t so late so I could make my report to him.
[An old woman enters the lab.]
CSI Brown: Oh god, not this again.
Old Woman: Hark! What say you about this Sherlock Holmes?
Dr. Watson: Excuse me, ma’am, but have you seen Mr. Holmes?
CSI Brown: For fuck’s sake Watson, do you have to fall for this every damned time!? It’s obviously Sherlock Holmes in a wig, just like it was the last 20 times before that.
Dr. Watson: Nonsense, sir! This woman walks with a limp.
Old Woman: What? I’m sorry, I’m a little hard of hearing.
Dr. Watson: I said–
[The old woman drops her cloak revealing she is actually Sherlock Holmes.]
Dr. Watson: My word, Holmes, that’s simply astounding! Amazing! You never cease to amaze me with your brilliance!
CSI Brown: Sigh.
Crime Scene #2:
Homicide, Apartment Building
Detective Brass: Well what do you make of this?
Holmes: It was the landlady.
Dr. Watson: Why that’s astounding! How the devil do you know that?
Holmes: Quite simple, my dear Watson. You see the left shoe is scuffed in such a way that–
Lab Guy: We found some blood under his fingernails. The DNA matches the landlady’s.
Brass: Oh, well arrest her.
Holmes: Wait, don’t you want to hear how I knew the victim ate seafood?
Brass: No, not really.
Marg Helgenberger’s Character: Okay, so the body was cut in two BEFORE the murder took place. If we can find some saliva on the torso, we may have our murderer.
Dr. Watson: Indeed. Marvelous. Stupendous.
Marg: Right. Dr. Watson, would you please get a tissue sample from the lower abdomen.
Dr. Watson: The what?
Marg: The abdomen.
Dr. Watson: …
Marg: I thought you said you were a doctor.
Dr. Watson: Well I am. It’s an honorary degree you see. University of Tampa. In the field of surpriseability actually. But if you–
[Marg Helgenberger drops her cloak revealing she is actually Sherlock Holmes.]
Dr. Watson: Yes! Good show! Marvelous!