Top Ten Reasons Your Landlord Gave You the Place So Cheap

  1. Three words: location, location, it’s a crackhouse
  2. I don’t know, ask one of the other 19 illegal immigrants
  3. In the co-op, you’re your own landlord! And maid! And drug dealer! And fuck, this place is a shithole.
  4. The rat carcasses are load-bearing
  5. blah blah heartbeat in the floorboards blah blah
  6. 1000 square feet turned out to mean 200 feet wide, 5 feet long
  7. You are now legally liable for everything inside the Mystery Closet
  8. Half the deposit you gave to him, half the deposit he made in you
  9. Doorbell plays chorus from Tommy Tutone’s Jenny (867-5309) over and over again, and can never be turned off
  10. Apparently “French Doors” actually means “No Indoor Plumbing”