Words from The Top

Bullshit Sports

I’ll never be an athlete. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I got picked last in P.E. or anything. I wasn’t the fat kid, or the crutches kid, or the kid with mittens sewn onto his sleeves to create the illusion that he had hands. True they were all stronger and faster than me, but I was normal so I had friends. However, just because I’m no Joe Montana or because the mittens kid kicked my ass every week doesn’t mean I don’t love sports.

I watch and play a lot of intramural sports. I love the adrenaline soaked rush of competition. I love the stirring anthem of victory beating in my breast. I love watching the lesbians tackle each other. And I love the satisfaction of knowing I’ve given 110% in pursuit of the ultimate goal: completely vanquishing my talented, motivated opponents.

Furthermore, I also love to lie harder than a defendant at Nuremburg. I don’t play intramural sports. I’ve never even seen a mural. Okay that was a lie too, but that just proves my point. Playing intramural sports is the gayest possible way for coeds to come into close physical contact with each other. Intramural sports are the dry humping of athletics: all the motions are the same, and the work’s just as hard, but no matter how much effort you put in, you won’t have anything to show for it but sweaty balls.

Even some professional sports are, in fact, bullshit. Bowling? If they serve hotdogs and beer to the players, it’s not a sport. Chess? If Stephen Hawking can beat me at it, it’s not a sport. Baseball? If a forty year old can beat me at it, it’s not a sport. Basketball? If a black guy can beat me at it, it’s not a sport. Murderball? I rest my case.

These so-called “sports” are all bullshit. You want to know a real sport? There are only three: Jai alai, pointing a gun at someone’s feet and shouting “dance,” and the Japanese guy who can lift forty five pounds with his cock. What happens when a game of basketball is over? Everyone goes home. What happens when the guy who lifts stuff with his dick finishes lifting stuff with his dick? Chafing.