<i>Other</i> New Baby Einstein Videos

Baby Einstein videos are supposed to make your infant son or daughter smarter just by watching them. This from the same company that brought you Learn Korean While You Sleep, Study for the LSATS While You Watch Rocky II, and Mozart CDs that enlarge your penis. Check out the new line of videos guaranteed to not have a money-back guarantee.

Baby Goldstein

This video will give your baby the savvy and confidence to thrive in the tough world of Los Angeles, plus make him Jewish. Your baby will grow up to be either an entertainment lawyer or an agent, guaranteed. Your baby is an asshole.

Yeah Baby, Spank My Ass

Medium-to-hard bondage pornography. Upon further reflection, probably not for babies.

Baby Achiever

Does your baby play and laugh all the day long? Is your baby making no progress towards its dreams of home or boat ownership? Tony Robbins will teach your baby how to buy and sell real estate in its spare time. Video includes Tony Robbins’ personal guarantee: “If your little one does not achieve total financial independence by the age of two, I will personally buy your baby from you.”

Baby Strong Point Guard

These videos will make your baby grow up to be seven feet tall. But how does it work? The simple medical explanation is “gypsies.”

Baby Boot Camp

Billy Blanks will whip your baby into shape with a modified aerobic army workout. “I’m so confident in my system,” says Billy, “that if you don’t see results in three weeks, Tony Robbins will buy your baby from you.”