Last Words of Old People

“In these last moments, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to be surrounded by my family. Except for Linda. Linda’s adopted.”

“Never miss a sunset. Take at least two vacations a year. Always send thank-you notes. I wish I hadn’t raped all of those kids…”

“Oh Jesus please no. If you stop this forklift I swear I’ll be a better Christian.”

“Son, life isn’t easy. But it’s a lot easier when you’re wearing women’s underwear.”

“Alzheimer’s disease isn’t just a disease, it’s a curse. I just, I, I’m … I’m just so glad I never told Linda she was adopted.”

“I met your mother in Europe during the war. It was a difficult time when the future was uncertain. We were young and wild and the world was our oyster. I hope this explains why I hit her so much.”

“I climbed Mount Everest. I ran the Boston Marathon under four hours. I was the CEO of a socially responsible Fortune 500 company. But you know what? I would give it all up for just one more taste of that sweet, sweet penguin pussy. Wait, why are you leaving?”