Great Moments in the History of Invention


Inventor of the Dynamite Fuse : Next time, try using one of these. It’s called a fuse.
Inventor of the Dynamite Stick : Will that fix my arm??
Inventor of the Dynamite Fuse : Sure! … Oh your arm. No. Hey, did you fall asleep? Bill?

Plastic Silverware

Inventor of the Spork : This is great! Now I only have one utensil to worry about!
Friend : Which is good for you, seeing as how you only have one arm ever since you invented dynamite.
Inventor of the Spork : How about you invent shutting the fuck up?


Prostitute : Finally, my sores have stopped bleeding! Well, the ones in my mouth anyway. So are you coming to bed or what?
Inventor of the Condom : [looking between penis and pile of sheep’s intestines] Yes. Yes I am.


Woman : God, I thought we were being so careful.
Man : I know, honey, I know! We must have made a mistake somewhere. How will we manage? Our budget is stretched so tight as it is.
Woman : And I’m just about to get that promotion at work. What will we do?
Man : [viciously punches her in the stomach] Eureka!


Caveman : Jesus Christ, whoever that is, it’s fucking cold outside! Hey, why is it warmer in this cave?
Scientist Caveman : This roaring orange pile of wood here. It’s making heat. I call it “fire.”
Caveman : Incredible, Scientist Caveman! What wonders will you invent next?
Scientist Caveman : [shoving the other caveman into the fire]



Doctor : Amazing! How did you ever come up with this, doctor?

Inventor of Penicillin : Well, actually, I just shot up a syringe-full of every chemical I could find into my body and this last one kinda made my syphilis feel better.

Doctor : Brilliant! How many injections did it take?
Inventor of Penicillin : 48. The 32nd injection is really starting to disagree with me. Does my tongue taste as purple to me as it does to you?


Man : Hey guys, look at this new thing I–
Other Man : [punches Man in the face]

Personal Massager

Husband : Hey, um, honey? Listen, I, uh, I’m really glad you’ve been enjoying my new invention, and it’s good to know that you appreciate it, but…it’s just that you haven’t really been using it in the way I intended.
Wife : Well how did you want me to use it?
Husband : Oh, I don’t know…Your neck, maybe? Like, your shoulders? Things that are more like sore spots, and less like your vagina.
Wife : Well maybe you can invent a way for my clitoris to be on my neck and shoulders then.
Husband : Hmmm…[strokes chin]

Female Circumcision

Husband : Look, honey, I got some bad news…