The Future of Video Game Series

The Sims 3: Barely Makin’ Ends Meet!

Players will delight as their Sims put the “rock” back in rock bottom! Get fired from the slaughterhouse, perform comically censored but highly suggestive sexual favors for strangers, and earn enough to pay off your debt to the Rent-A-Center and feed your hilarious peyote addiction!

Super Mario No Holds Barred Cage Fighting

Who says that even the most violent sports can’t be dumbed down to appeal to a speculated juvenile audience? Collect enough Magical Yoshi Star Coins to pummel your adversary to the point of Super Brain Damage! Time your Golden Mushroom Meter just right, and snap both of your opponent’s ankles simultaneously!

Kingdom Hearts 5

Disney and Square Enix will be scraping the bottom of the barrel as character options begin to run thin. Travel through worlds based on forgettable Disney films such as the lackluster 2000 flop, “Dinosaur,” and team up with allies such as Chicken Little’s dad, one of the Aristocats, and the fat friend from Goof Troop.

Everquest III: The Ivory Crystals of Desperation

In a bold marketing attempt to outdo the wildly addictive World of Warcraft, developers at Sony-Online have skipped the process of developing an actual sequel and opted instead to fill game packages to the brim with crack cocaine.

Tony Hawk’s Project 88

Master wicked tricks and hip-breaking ollies as you struggle to escape Oakwood Retirement Community. But watch out. The world outside is full of steep curbs, revolving doors, and young punks on hover boards.

Pac Man Beginnings

From the creators of Max Payne comes a noir-insipred descent into the tortured soul of America’s most enduring yellow circular thing. When his wife and child are brutally murdered by a gang of dot addicts, Pac vows to go deep undercover to destroy them. After becoming hopelessly addicted to the very dots which fueled his enemies, Pac kills all of them in a violent bloodbath. Unsatisfied, he hunts down the ghosts of the killers again and again, tragically changing him from pac boy…to pac man.