Back-Alley Mike’s School of Back-Alley Self-Defense

Thanks to the Democrats, 3-time “King of the C-Block Showers” Back-Alley Mike is back on the street to teach you the fundamentals of self defense.


“Staring down the barrel of a gun is one of the most challenging situations in self-defense. This is why you should always carry a gun, because it will scare the shit out of whoever you’re self-defensing.”

“If you’re involved in a violent situation, remember the three C’s. Celerity, Concealment, and Cockpunch.”

“Many situations can be resolved non-violently. For instance, if your assailant agrees to put his hands up and give you his wallet.”

“Your attacker might try to intimidate you with tactics like shouting ‘Get on the ground!’ or ‘Police, freeze!’ Regardless of how loud they shout or how shiny their badge is, don’t fall for it. These so-called tough guys go down just like everybody else; with a hollow-point 9mm bullet to the knee.”

“Positioning is key in self-defense, which is why you should always try to self-defense people in the dark from behind.”

“Your attacker will draw strength from any signs of fear you show so always try to keep your head covered. Use a hood, ski-mask, or a fistful of lye into his eyes.”

Lesson Plan

Week 1: Unarmed Combat, And How to Exploit People That Try It

Week 2: Defending Your Future Property

Week 3: Picking Whom to Defend Yourself Against

Week 4: Making Sure No One Saw You Defending Yourself

Week 5: Maps and Locations of ATM Machines that Don’t have Cameras

To enroll in the course, write your local parole board and tell them that I’ve found work.