The Diary of Judas

Recently, National Geographic released the Gospel of Judas, a contradictory explanation of Jesus’s demise where Jesus asked Judas to betray him. The Gospel of Judas, while entertaining, is a long stretch from this totally historically accurate, Diary of Judas, which we found at the bus stop yesterday.

Is the Honeymoon already over between Jesus and I? It seems just like yesterday that we would walk together, help poor people together, and just talk and talk and talk, sometimes about the silliest stuff. But lately he’s been really distant. Sometimes I get the impression he no longer values our friendship. Like today after we kicked the Arimatheans’ ass at Ultimate Discus he was high-fiving the other guys in the gang. When he got to me he put his hand up, I went in for a high-five, and then he jerked his hand back and said, “Psyche!” Everyone laughed. I laughed too, but I didn’t think it was funny.

We were hanging out with Jesus today while he was curing lepers. When he got to a particularly bad one, he took the leper’s arms and started waving them around saying, “Look at me! Look at me! I’m Judas! DURRRRRR DURRRRR!” When everyone stopped laughing, he said, “I’m just joking with you Judas.” Then he held up the leper’s hand to me for a high-five. I don’t think I need to tell you what happened next.

Last week, Jesus told me that he and I would go see a public stoning today, just the two of us. I bought the tickets and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited until finally it was so late that I couldn’t get my money back. AND THEN, while walking home I saw him at tavern with PETER sharing a glass of wine. Jesus told me he HATED wine. I was so angry that when I got home I betrayed my cat to the Romans.

Tonight was League Night at the Bowling Alley. I wasn’t going to show up because I was still so mad, but Bartholomew stopped by and said they could use my hook shot. During the third game everyone started pointing and whispering at me, and when I got up to bowl my frame I fell flat on my face because Jesus had tied my bowling sandals together. He even marked it Foul.

I can’t believe after everything we’ve been through that Jesus would be such an ass to me. I haven’t done anything to him but he treats me like garbage now. I got him back good though today when I pointed him out to some bored Roman soldiers looking for a messiah to kill. The guys are pretty upset, but I think this will all blow over in a couple of weeks.

I can’t live with myself for what I did. You were the best friend I ever had and I destroyed you. Oh Mr. Fluffers, I miss you so much.