Stephen Colbert Ironically Elected Governor of South Carolina

Popular humorist Stephen Colbert, noted for his deadpan impression of a smug, self-aggrandizing right-wing pundit, has been ironically elected Republican Governor of South Carolina after mockingly collecting the 5,000 requisite signatures and facetiously soliciting millions of dollars in campaign contributions from the NRA and RJ Reynolds.

His first as faux-Governor will be to satirically de-criminalize assault weapons and extra-criminalize gay marriage. His second act will be an hilarious re-segregation of the state’s rural western half, followed by a rib-tickling secession from the Union and an uproarious declaration of Southern Sovereignty.

When asked to comment on how his hysterically racist policies and borderline fascist-comic rhetoric had passed from the realm of social satire to real-life bigotry, Colbert declared: “Irony is dead to me. Oh, and satire? I’m putting you on notice!

You and black people.”