Divorce Guide

In the United States divorce has become an epidemic. Look to your left, now look to your right – both of those people are divorced. If you don’t see anyone near you, it’s because you’re divorced. Divorce is a complicated issue, so this guide will hopefully prepare you for your own inevitable separation.

Signs you’re about to get divorced

  • Unexplained bear traps on your side of the bed.
  • Your wife takes a box out of the attic labeled “Slutty Clothes to Wear While Single.”
  • Wife videotaping more of her beatings than usual.
  • Husband’s new secretary listed “dicktation” on her resume.
  • You’re wondering why your hands hurt, are dripping blood, and why you’re in the back of a police car.
  • Her idea of “Couples Therapy” is drinking a couple of Forties and throwing them at you.

Good and bad ways to break the news to your spouse

  • Good: “Honey, this just isn’t working out. I love you, but I can’t be with you. Let’s just sign these papers and get on with our lives.”
  • Bad: “Why didn’t you tell me before that your sister does anal?”
  • Good: “You’ll always be very special to me. I just think we need to be apart from each other.”
  • Bad: “Get. The fuck. Out.”
  • Good: “I will always love you.”
  • Bad: “Sweetie, guess what I bought you! A pair of puppies! This one is named Divorce Papers and this one is named Restraining Order. Also, I’m keeping them.”

Things that don’t substitute for a legal divorce

  • Putting your fingers in your ears and saying, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!”
  • Having sex with a stranger, right in front of your spouse, on your bed, while dressed up as lawyers.
  • Throwing a brick through their window with “WE’RE DIVORCED” written on it. Though it’s also your window, and you’re standing inside at the time.
  • Eating your wedding ring.
  • Defrocking the priest that married you.
  • Throwing your wife to the ground during Trust exercises.
  • Faking your dog’s death.

Good and bad ways to break the news to your kids

  • Good: “Just because mommy and I are getting divorced doesn’t mean we love you any less.”
  • Bad: “Mommy doesn’t love you any more, and I will buy you as many G.I. Joe’s as is required to prove that to you.”
  • Good: “This is not because of anything you did. This is between me and daddy.”
  • Bad: “This is not because of anything you did. I wish I could say the same of your sister.”
  • Good: “I know this is very hard right now, but I promise things will get better for you.”
  • Bad: “Stop crying or I’ll get the hose.”
  • Good: “Sweetie, it’s okay! You’ll see me on the weekends! We’ll go to the amusement park and I’ll win you a stuffed animal, okay?”
  • Bad: “Sweetie, it’s okay! From now on, I’m going to pick you up every Friday from school two hours late. I will probably be drunk. We’ll eat cold Chinese food in awkward silence. I’ll make you go to bed at 6:30 in hopes that you won’t hear Ginger banging against the headboard while I cry and call out your mother’s name. P.S. you’re adopted.”