Unemployment Rate Skyrockets

Caving in to pressure from campus activists, UC-Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau announced yesterday that the campus would no longer use sweatshop labor to make its Cal apparel. The resulting wave of layoffs has led to the highest unemployment rate among children aged 0 to 10 in Malaysian history.

“Instead of 6 cents an hour, I now have none?” said tearful young Amin Saad, a single tear falling down his emaciated face. “But how will I buy my gruel? If my father or mother were still alive, they’d be very disappointed in me.” He then sniffled into a dirt-stained handkerchief and bravely battled his advanced case of polio.

The decision was reached following an intense 7-hour board meeting in the Chancellor’s diamond-studded hovermansion. After its ratification, all Malaysian factories were shut down, causing a massive recession and a sharp drop in the best index of Malaysian economic growth, The Oppression Index.

“Excellent, excellent,” cackled activist leader Craig Rosenbaum. “Now I can focus on my true passion: spitting on the families of heavily decorated Iraq-war veterans and shocking them with giant pictures of unaborted fetuses.”