Five Hipsters: A Play in One Act

Begin Act I **
**Hipster No. 1
: [Entering room.] Hey guys, what’s up?
Hipster No. 2 : Hey man.
Hipster No. 3 : Sup.
Hipster No. 4 : Manao ahoana.
No. 2 : Malagasy? Nice. [They give each other high fives, followed by folding their arms and staring awkwardly at the floor.]

[Five minutes of pretentious silence.]
No. 1 : …so I heard the Arcade Fire is coming out with a new album.
No. 3 : Whoa! The Arcade Fire. They were good until they got big, which retroactively ruined every note they ever played. Even frat boys listen to them now.

[_The other four hipsters hiss at the mention of fraternities. Posters of Devendra Banhart rustle, an eight track vibrates on a table and falls to the floor, framed artsy photos of hands, fingers, and a giant toenail

tremble on the dingy walls.]
No. 1 : [_Defensively.
] Well what are YOU listening to?
No. 3 : You probably haven’t heard of them.
No. 4 : Kraftwerk. Today is Tuesday, and I only listen to Kraftwerk on Tuesdays.
No. 2 : [Indifferently.] MC Hammer and Lionel Ritchie.
Other Hipsters : [With jealous admiration.] Oooooo….
No. 1 : Wow, that’s so bad and so fifteen years ago, it’s cool.
No. 3 : Man, I wish I thought of that first, but these pants I bought from a vintage store are so tight I can’t think straight. Do your balls hurt all the time too?
No. 2 : [Dodging the question.] I know, I know. I love/hate the combination so much, just like I love/hate my full beard and your Borat mustache so much. In fact, if you get me, I really love/hate it.
No. 3 : Sorry man, my bi phase ended last week after a leather clad biker love/hated me in the bathroom of a Mountain Goats show.
No. 4 : How was the show?
No. 3 : I love/hated it.
Hipster No. 5 : [Walking in.] Joom reab soor.
No. 1 : Cambodian? How bougie. He already rocked Malagasy.

[Pointing to Hipster No. 2 who sighs melodramatically.]
No. 5 : [More depressed than usual.] Fuck!
No. 1 : …but your cardigan sort of rocks.
No. 2 : For sure.
No. 3 : Awesome.
No. 4 : Totally chouette. But you know what that means, since we all think its cool, it’s now officially gay.
No. 5 : Fuuuuuck!
No. 3 : How Nietzsche of us.
No. 1 : Please don’t use the word gay in a derogatory manner. I thought I was gay once, but it turned out I just enjoy listening to Sufjan Stevens.
No. 5 : [Sadly gazing at his cardigan.] I guess that’s the end of that chapter. [Flinging it into the fireplace, where it whispers My Morning Jacket lyrics before dissolving in flame.] I guess now I’ll just have to increase the level of irony on all my T-shirts. [He takes out a pen and turns his “I love Ohio!” shirt into “I love Ohio!?”]
No. 2 : Hey, we’ve been in this room for longer than 20 minutes, it’s becoming lame fast.
No. 3 : I agree, let’s go to a bar that we pretend is a dive bar just because it serves cheap alcohol. You know, since we’re all too afraid to go to a real dive bar.
No. 1, 4, and 5 : Agreed!

[They walk outside.]
No. 1 : Hey! We all rode fixed-gear bikes here again!

[They all fall to the ground laughing, laughing, and laughing.]
End Act I