President Cries in a Corner

President Bush’s feelings were seriously injured this week when his NSA Domestic Surveillance Program intercepted hundreds of libelous emails defaming the president’s character. The majority of the offending letters were found to be circulating through West Wing offices.

“These are so mean,” a shocked Bush said upon seeing the first of the emails that have continued to surface in growing numbers throughout the week. “Just … mean,” he added, sniffling. While the exact content of the intercepted messages remains classified, top officials have described the subject matter as “reprehensible,” “immature,” and “pooped my pants laughing.”

Although the NSA program which uncovered the documents has come under serious attack from privacy advocates and civil liberty groups, the president remains steadfast in defending the program. “We’re at war with a bunch of cold-blooded killers with no sense of decency or responsibilitude,” said Bush, “and every time Dick photoshops my head onto a monkey’s body and sends it to Condi, the terrorists win.”

Spokesmen for the president say he is currently deciding how to proceed, although no plans to prosecute exist as of yet. The White House did announce that from now on, the President’s Livejournal will be designated “friends only.”