December 24th, 1960: Found out Santa wasn’t real
I stayed up all night anxiously watching over the cookies and milk I had left for Santa. As soon as I heard a rustle down the chimney, I ran forward to give him a big hug. Down dropped a giant bag filled with toys followed by a skeleton in a Santa suit. Amid my turbulent crying, I could hear my father laughing and laughing and laughing.
It was the worst birthday ever.
April 14th, 1970: First sexual experience
She was very gentle and soothing. He, on the other hand, was really rough. My crying only seemed to make things worse.
August 31st, 1971: First Day of College
I arrived with the feverish anticipation that only an awkward teen finally free from the repressive hold of his parents could feel. Here I was, ready for the next big stage of my life. If only I hadn’t discovered heroin.
June 12th, 1975: First Day of Work
Why did I wear a suit to the slaughterhouse? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
July 2nd, 1976: Thinking About becoming a Writer
Got a few weeks off work due to injuries after one of the cows got hold of a knife and killed Mr. Sanford. Spent the time learning to write. The publishers at Harper’s were not impressed with my novel about a Great Black Whale. I’ll show them when another publisher picks up my story about playing catch in a wheat field.
April 8th, 1978: Honeymoon
Why would a virgin have tattoos on her labia…
September 15th, 1980: Birth of My First Child
They told me all children were born dark. It would have made me feel better if they also told me all children were born with six thousand tiny holes in their heart.
January 27th, 1989: Killed my Arch Nemesis
Lured my arch nemesis to Mexico. I craftily tricked him into crawling into the cannon that I had rented. Instead of shooting him across a waterfall as planned, he messily exploded inside. I couldn’t even get my deposit back. Stupido, stupido, stupido.
September 11th, 2001: A Day to Remember
Lost my wallet AND my keys.
November 14th, 2003:
Saw Matrix: Reloaded and Matrix: Revolutions.
January 4th, 2018: Found Out I Have a Cancer
Hey, at least it’s not testicular cancer.
January 5th, 2018: Got a Phone Call