Attn: Harry Berman, Dean
Arthur Horn, Department Chair
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and irresponsibility.
Tomorrow will mark the 703rd time that I have substituted for Professor Jones in his course Classics 4A: Latin, Archaeology, and Arks of the Covenant.
Should the gravity of such a statistic somehow remain lost on you, I would like to retype for you here several of the many, many notes Professor Jones has left for me on short notice “explaining” his absences:
“Have to go to Portugal to fight Nazis. Will you cover Classics 4A?”
“Indian villagers being kidnapped for their blood. Can you cover my classes for me? Thanks, Indy”
“Nazis took my dad. Back in 6 weeks. – Indy
PS: Feed my fish”
And his most recent note:
“Jeff Nathanson’s latest script finally approved by George Lucas.”
First of all, I hope you’ve noticed a trend in these notes. If we are to believe Professor Jones, he has fought Nazis everywhere from “Venice” and “Istanbul” to “the Macy’s outside of Baltimore” and once, apparently, “in a zeppelin.” You cannot seriously ask me to tolerate these outlandish fabrications.
Ignoring his habitual truancy, Professor Jones’ teaching habits and curriculum leave much to be desired. For instance, week one’s lecture, “Learning Hovitos and choosing your guide carefully,” bore almost no relation to week three’s lecture, “Don’t call me Junior!” If his incompetence were only limited to the classroom, perhaps I might tolerate it for another 700 unexcused absences. But Professor Jones is an irresponsible braggart of the worst sort, and what’s more he’s an actual danger to the students. I needn’t remind you of his infamous “field trip” to Carlsbad Caverns last year. I can assure you that very few of the grieving parents accepted Professor Jones’ explanation that their deceased children had “refused to throw [him] the whip.”
Finally, although it pains me to make such an accusation against another academic professional, I have good reason to believe the tragic fire in the Ophiology laboratory was no accident.
If this University has any respect for its legacy and its duty to the students, it will suspend Professor Jones until he proves he can teach a course without resorting to fantastical stories about giant boulders and non-stop Nazi-bashing, or at least until he returns the haunted idol of Ko’resh Al-Gultar to the people of Saudi Arabia.