SwordTech Inc.’s Troubleshooting Guide

Q : My sword is not cleaving through enemy hordes like it should.
A : Be sure to remove your sword from your sheath before attempting to slaughter enemy hordes. The sheath is recognizable by its non-metallic surface and its inability to cut swaths of destruction through enemy hordes.

Q : I swung my sword and hurted him real good but now I can’t get my sword back. Is it broken?
A : Your sword is most likely lodged in the collarbone of your mortal enemy. Plant your foot on his throat and attempt to pull your sword free, or bring his corpse to your local auto body shop.

Q : I have accidentally used my sword to slay a loved one. Is there any way to undo this?
A : No. Well…wait, no.

Q : My honorable suicide is taking longer than expected. I’ve fallen on my sword several times, but it only seems to be gradually breaking my ribs. I am in a lot of pain though. Should I keep trying?
A : You are falling on the wrong end of the sword. Generally the sharp bladed point of the sword is more effective than the blunt hilt for ending your shameful, cowardly life.

Q : I decapitated my enemy and was immediately surrounded by cheap looking lightning while a terrible Queen song played in the background. What’s happening?
A : By taking the life of another immortal in an epic sword battle, you are one step closer to becoming The One and fulfilling your destiny as the Highlander. Please don’t make any more movies.

Q : My sword is lodged in a stone, and I can’t pull it out.
A : You are not using a SwordTech product, but rather have entered Arthurian legend, and are apparently not the once and future king of England.

Q :_ I charged at my enemy just like in the instruction manual, but he’s doing just fine and I’m filled with holes that are leaking some sort of red stuff. What is going on?_
A : You have been shot. In the future, consider not bringing a sword to a gunfight. For a product manual from our sister company GunTech, please scream.

Q : I came back from sword-hunting and my herd is dying and the well has run dry.
A : You have slain the unicorn that protects the forest. Gather all the village children and tell them to believe in magic again.

Q : Now matter how hard I throw my sword, it doesn’t come back.
A : You are thinking of a boomerang, or our discontinued model the BoomerSword. For more information about the BoomerSword contact our law firm of Winston, Walker, and Williams.

Q : I attempted to swallow my SwordTech product for my amateur circus act and only shredded my throat lining. What am I doing wrong?
A : It is possible you have purchased the wrong model. Try the SwordTech Trick-Swallowing Sword, or SwordTech Chewables.