PROBLEM: Your rent is due tomorrow and you don’t get paid until next week.
LIKELY RESULT: Another long night in the apartment manager’s office. At least you remember to bring your kneepads this time. Listerine may wash away the night’s memories, but it won’t wash away your ruined credit and wrecked self-esteem.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: You ask your apartment manager if he knows why your rent is late. When he replies, “I don’t know,” he is covered in green slime! You both have a laugh, get a bite to eat at Barth’s, and then go to sleep in a gym locker with Alanis Morissette.
PROBLEM: You just found out you contracted HIV from your mistress, and you have to tell your wife that you’ve likely passed it on to her.
LIKELY RESULT: You never muster up the courage to tell her and when both she and your best friend John die from AIDS 7 months later, you’re pretty upset. Also you still have AIDS.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: You hire Linda Ellerbee and the Nick News kids to explain the situation to your wife with the help of special guest anchor Magic Johnson. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when your wife realizes Linda Ellerbee is your mistress.
PROBLEM: Morpheus wants you to prove yourself and defeat the agent before finding out if the Mervoginian will release the Key Maker.
LIKELY RESULT: Pretentious mid-air kick-boxing battle over a crowded thoroughfare.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: After moving Mikey up two squares and answering a question about the Old West, you make it to round three but your 2d-virtual magic carpet ride comes to an end early when you fail to collect three rings and are bitten to death by a crudely animated snake. You never manage to reach Mongo the space troll and defeat him to earn a Commodore Amiga, but the ending still makes more sense than Neo being Jesus.
PROBLEM: Your boss tells you that the managerial promotion has come down to you and your rival Davidson.
LIKELY RESULT: While attempting to pull an all-nighter to finish a report, you end up crashing out and sleepwalking into your boss’s office. The turd on his keyboard isn’t easy to explain the next morning.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: Instead of basing the promotion off on your job aptitude, your boss tells you the decision will be made by a race to the top of the AGGRO-CRAG! As you scramble up its jagged features, a well placed kick to your rival sends him face first into an explosion of confetti. He’s blinded for life and you get the promotion! Suck on THAT, Davidson!
PROBLEM: A friendly boasting match turns ugly and you end up in a duel to the death with a sea pirate.
LIKELY RESULT: You’re boned.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: Hey, I said you’re boned. What, you think David the Gnome is going to pop out with a magical fox for you to ride away on? Fucking pirate is 6’5″ and has an eye patch. I mean, shit.